So it's been awhile since I've done this. It actually feels kinda weird doing this again. A lot has changed since last time I did this. For instance my boyfriend and I broke up like the second after we made it official. I guess I should have seen it coming. I mean I was the one hesitating about going steady and I never even dared to call Danny my boyfriend, maybe I have commitment issues or something I don't know. Maybe I should've seen it as a sign. Maybe we weren't meant to be, but whatever. I mean I really did like him, maybe even loved him, but I'm sorry to say that it was fun while it lasted but now I'm passed it. I have to learn to let him go. and I think a good way to start doing is stop calling him.
This isn't making any sense what so ever right? So maybe I should give you the "Previously On..." Well Danny and I spend X-Mas together, I missed Snow Dance because of that by the way. Anyways we were celebrating X-mas early because Danny always goes away with X-Mas to England. Only he didn't tell me that this was a tradition, I thought this was the first time, so anyways he was going to be in England for two weeks and I gotta tell you those two weeks were hell, I missed him a lot. But when he came back everything was different. He was really really I don't know, I guess pulled together. He didn't say much, all the while I was there he just sighed and shrugged and I was like what the hell is happening. So a few days alter I talked to him asking him why the hell he was acting so weird. We got into this terrible fight about my friends and about us and bout school and I was on the verge of breaking up with him because he was simple being an ass. He didn't let me in at all, he just kept pushing me away, so eventually I pulled away from him and told him to take a good long look in the mirror and decide whether or not this is the person he wants to be and I left.
I was really bumped out about what happened. But I refused to call him, the ball was in his court now, so it's his turn to call me, at least I think, anyways he didn't call. My friends and I had a New Year's "date" we celebrated the new year, we went out bowling and out for dinner, and I was supposed to bring Danny to introduce him to my friends, but after the fight I just didn't want him to. SO I want by my lonesome and everyone was like where is he, and I made up the excuse that he couldn't come because he was sick, I don't even think that anyone bought it, but whatever. A few days later Danny still hadn't called and I was really really pissed. So On Thursday I went to see my friend sing in a bar, btw she was really really good!! I was coming out of the toilet and this dude comes up to me and says like hey I know I don't know you but how about we have have a 5 minute conversation because I have to wait for my friends, so we talked, 5 minutes turned into 10 and 10 minutes turned into 45 min. He bought me a few drinks and I started to loosen up a bit. At one point, I don't know whether or not I was drunk or not but I don't think so because I remember everything really vividly, he kissed me. My initial reaction was to pull away, but he looked me in the eyes and I don't know what the hell I was thinking but I pulled him by his collar and started making out with him. Thank God one of my friends saw this happening and pulled me away from the guy and the rest of my evening was spend with my friends. When I came home I went to sleep, but the next day I really felt disgusted with myself. On Saturday I had to work and Danny called me a few times, but I was too scared and too embarrassed to face Danny so I clicked him away. Monday was my first school day and I needed to talk to my friends about this situation. They all told me to not tell Danny about what happened, I actually contemplated doing just that. Mending my relationship with him and keeping my mouth shut. But I when I went to see him I just couldn't take ti anymore, so I just blurred it out to him and surprise surprise he didn't say anything. So I told him that maybe this is the right time for a break and he agreed. This is beyond weird don't you think? OMG anyways I talked about this with my friends and they all agreed that this was way too weird, so I decided to go and talk to him. I went on Wednesday( January 8th Season premiere of OTH, but I'll get back to that) and I brought a bunch of his stuff, he gave me necklace, so I put that in the box, some cds some clothes even and stuff that made me remind me of him. So I went there and we talked everything through about the break up and how weird it was and stuff. But it turns out there was a reason why he was soo damn cold. It was because he was joggling with his feelings for me and his ex girlfriend. the ex girlfriend where he was staying with for two weeks. He thinks that old feelings might have resurfaced blablabla anyways I was like ass hole!! but I kinda get it and it made me feel like less of a whore for kissing that dude. Eventually I gave him the box with his stuff and he said that the necklace and the cds were mine, they were gifts and he wanted me to look at them and remember the good times we had together. And I wanted to go away but he stopped me and he pulled out an USB stick and it had One Tree Hill on it, and we watched it together that evening as friends. So this is the end of the previously on, now back to current time:
So we broke up as friends, but that usually doesn't really happen right? Well apparently it does for Danny, because he has been calling me just to talk randomly  which I think is really weird, but he says that he thought that we were friends and this is a part of being friends.But I still think it's weird. I really want to close off this chapter of my life, but somehow I just keep getting confronted by it everywhere I turn. But enough about boys, because I'm done with that.
The title of this entry is I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul
and it's basically about that you control your own life and I thought it was appropriate because in a way I took control of my life and I'm proud of that. I actually have a lot more to write, but I'm really tired and it's getting kinda late, so I'm gonna continue tomorrow. I'll talk to you guys later, thanx for reading

Well let's see. If I could choose one album...man this is tough! Euhm let me think.....
Well it would probably be a Corrs album, because they are eclectic.It doesn't matter what kind of mood I'm in I can always listen to the Corrs. And if I had to choose an album I would choose Talk On Corners, it their second studio album and I think it's my favorite album(but this changes every week because I can't really choose between Corrs albums). Talk On Corners has very uplifting songs like So Young, they talk about living here and now, live for the moment but they also have heartbreaking songs like Don't Say You Love Me( I think the title says it all so no explanation) and some love songs like Runaway(I will never stop falling in love with you) so I guess that's my answer right there.
Talk On Corners by The Corrs because they are eclectic! You should really check em out! There is a reason why I have been a fan for more than the half of my life! Simply because they are awesome!!

So yeah I thought that it would be fun if I start with a quote, who knows maybe it's going to become a regular thing.
If you were wondering(I hope you were) thing with Danny and his mom and dad are okay! I called around 8 and he picked up and he said like: Good thing you called, my mom wants to talk to you. And in that moment I thought, OMG what did I do?? waha
But seriously though I was nervous, I'm just getting to know Danny and his parents this is our first phone conversation ever, I had no idea what to expect, I think Danny sensed or something because before he handed over the phone he said: "don't worry, everything is fine" which was a big relieve I gotta tell ya.
But anyway his uncle had a stroke or something, but he turned out okay. It was danny's uncle, the brother of his mother, so they had to go visit him, but it was all the way in Bilthoven. His mum was really sweet she just kept apologizing for getting me all excited, and I was like dude it's okay, family comes first. But still she kept apologizing, I just said yes it's okay, well make it up next time, I'm not going anywhere.
That was a big relieve, right? So after 10 minutes of apologizing she handed the phone back to Danny and we decided to call it a night and just go to bed.
Short entry for a change, but I have a poem, by William Butler Yeats, hope you like it.
And no it's not really relevant but I just wanted to share.



Andrea Corr (from The Corrs) is reading

Never Give all the heart

by

  William Butler Yeats

NEVER give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that's lovely is
But a brief, dreamy. Kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost


I love this song, it's only the best song ever!!

I hope you guys like this entry, I'll talk to you later!

So yeah that's pretty powerful hea? Well it's also really true. I've seen people just dwell on what they have done in the past and with that they are living in the past, wanting to change the past. But you have to live here and now, because if you keep dwelling on what happened in the past it's going to affect your future. And then you're going to regret that. Regret is something all of us have from time to time. Regret for saying something or doing something, or regret for not saying something or doing something. Regret...the only way that you're going to lose that feeling is by just letting go. You can't change the past but you can change the here and now and with that your future. 
And that's ultimately what it's all about isn't it? Your future, you don't want to be a screw up and you want to do something with this life that has been giving to you. But what if you can't?? I think that regret comes in with doubt. Because if you keep doubting your every move, you're going to regret not making a different move later. I'm one of those persons who just keeps doubting. You're watching every little step that you make and you're afraid that it's the wrong one. Okay example: you're walking down the road and that all of a sudden the road stops and you have  to make desicion, are you going left or right?  and what if I choose left, what am I going to miss out on by not going right? and is the right decision to go left? Right is not always right is it?
Sorry I don't know ehre the hell that came from, ow maybe the fact that right now I'm still not with my PBF(potential boyfriend) but still stuck here at Australian Homemade.
I called Danny when I was done working and he was like, my parents can't wait to see you blablablablabla and then I said like ow I'm gonna come by soon blablablablab( we blabla a lot, that's our thing). But anyway I like to showering after I'm done working and last week I was being impulsive and just went to visit Danny without thinking, anyway...yes I did what you're thinking right now. I showered at his place. His parents basically forced me, but still....
Anyway I'm not doing that again, I'm not going to shower at some stranger's house, although technically he's not a stranger, he's my PBF!!
But anyway I rambled and then Danny told me that I couldn't come by because something had happened. I just hope everything turns out okay. I really don't know what happened, but it can't be good.
So in a really weird way it was kinda Serendipity because I really didn't want to go. But listen to this. I'm going home now and I'm going to call him, to check up on him. Just to make sure that he's okay!
I thought that was pretty good of me.
I'd love to hear your thoughts about this. Talk you laterz

XOXO You know you love me
Riley

So guess what I did??? Nope I didn't call Danny, I had a brain-freeze and actually visited him. I couldn't just let something as stupid as my brain freeze on Saturday screw something up that has been building up for the past few months.
I knock on his door an he opens up and the first thing he says( before I even have the chance to say "hi") was "My God you look tired!"
And I was like..."well thank you I really feel tired."
But the ice had been broken, he let me in and we talked a little with his parents before getting to the point. After what seemed like hours but actually was just a half hour of small talk we went up to his bedroom.
And for the first time ever, there was an awkward silence. I knew exactly what to say but I just didn't know how to say it and how to begin.
So I sat down on his bed and sat down next to me, still not saying anything. I was the one to break the silence. I began by telling him about the funeral and that I really appreciated it that he was willing to skip just to hold my hand on the funeral. And then I just blurted out that I was sorry for hanging up so abruptly last Saturday and that my head had been all over the place and that I panicked when he told me that he loved me.
And being to really great guy that Danny he is, he stood up, and I was like...what is going on inside his head??? Then he turned around facing me, he got on his knees and looked me straight in the eyes and he said that he really didn't anticipated on telling me that he loved me, but in the moment is was just perfect. But that doesn't change the way he feels about me. He cupped my cheeks with his hands and slowly kissed me and people I'm telling you...that was by far the best kiss I've ever had!!! He pulled away and said that he didn't need me to say the words unless I mean them, and that he was going to wait until I was ready to say the words to him. And right there in that moment I knew that this is the guy I want to be with for the rest of my life, okay maybe not the rest of my life, but I knew that I could fall in love with him.
I told him that he was the best guy a girl could ask for and that I just needed time to let the guy I last dated go.
He just nodded and he knew that he had to change the subject, and thank God for his mom because she called us down for dinner. I was like I'll go home, and his parents were like "oh no girl, you're staying for dinner." So I called my parents, saying I was with a friend, And thank God for her, because she is willing to cover my ass while she takes the blame. I think my parents are going to hate her for spending so much time with her, while I'm not spending time with her. But that's all beside the point,but I just want to use the opportunity  to thank you Lindsay, there is no way that she's reading this unless she randomly googles my name, again beside the point. Because something big happened after dinner. And dinner by the way was perfect his parents were really nice. His dad plays guitar and so do I and he likes the Eagles and Venice and I love those bands. It it wasn't awkward at all, thank God. His mom was really nice too, we could really talk about Indonesia and it turns out that my mom and his mom are from the same Island, Malang, I thought it was pretty funny. After dinner was over Danny and I helped cleaning up and we then excused ourselves. We went up to his room and he looked at me and he had this really weird grin on his face, he took my hand in his and he then walked to his desk and picked up a book. it was "Nights in Rodanthe" by Nicholas Sparks. I told him once that, I really liked that writer and the movies are great, he apparently remembered because this is the Sparks'  latest book and I really wanted to read it. He said he wanted to wait with giving me the book for my birthday but now that I'm here he wants to read a few passages he dog eared for me, because he already read the book.
So we laid on his bed he had the book in his hands and I have this tic that I always want to read what someone is reading to me. So I laid my head down on his chest and he began reading. And I must say that he has a really good English accent, it was pleasant to listen to. It was soothing and it really calmed me down. With everything that had happened in the past few days I really hadn't had the chance to get some sleep. About 30 minutes into reading my eyes started to get really heavy and I finally gave in to the sleep and I fell asleep in his arms. I gotta tell you that in the hour and 15 minutes that I slept in his arms I was more rested then the hours I slept in my bed, but that's beside the point. Apparently he also fell asleep and we were sleeping together on his bed. You know how I know this??? His mom took pictures of us while sleeping. No this is not funny!! My parents don't know I've been seeing this boy so I don't want them to have pictures of me, besides we're not even officially dating!
But now I'm sounding like a real b*tch but I just don't like pictures, that's it. But I made sure that the pictures were erased so now everything is okay. I know it's not the same as saying it to your face, but Danny I love you, I think I could really fall in love with you! When I'm ready to say the words to you, I'll tell them, just not now, but soon I promise!
Ow yeah before I forget have you guys ever heard of the band the Corrs?? I pimp them everywhere I go, I listen to them constantly, anyway, the lead singer Andrea made a solo album and released it in September I think it was. Anyway, she has this song it's called "Shame on You" and it's basically about war, she read this book "Bird Song"By Sebastian Faulkes and I listened to the song and I really wanted to read the book so I went to the library and I read the book. Now I understand the song and where Andrea is coming from.
So just for you guys I have the song here and I have the lyrics just in case you're interested.





 Shame On You (to keep my love from me)

You left me thinking what a bore
I'm always stuck inside
I've got a feeling there is more
Than I've been left behind
A lot of pain a lot of noise
That these four walls hide
Happy faces go to war.
And dance upon the mines

Chorus
Come join come join come join us
Your barely young come join us
You'd be a man come join come join us
You're big and strong come join us

You planted me in foreign ground
A pen within a hand
At least I am not on my own
In hell I have a friend
And though I find this inner shame
It isn't my crusade
Dirty faces in a war
Asleep in open graves

Come join come join come join us
Your barely young come join us
You'll be a man come join come join us
Your big and strong come join us
Shame on you shame on you shame on you
To keep my love from me-shame on you
Shame on you shame on you
To keep my love from me
Shame on you shame on you shame on you
To keep my love from me

Shame on you-
close your eyes to see it
Lock your heart to feel it
Change his name to number
But he's somebody's child

And I think the last part is covering it. You can change the boy's name to a number but he's still somebody's child, he's still a person and not just a number. And like Andrea says in the verse, you're better young. I think that war is just useless, it only takes lives away and I don't see the point in that.
So this entry has gone from really small problem to really big ones, and I think I like to stop at the top so I'm going to sleep now, but before I do I just want to say hi ans thank you to a few people.
Thank you Laura, for being the best beta reader a girl could ask for, I never say this enough but I really appriciate it. Kirsten thank you for listening to my rambling and stuff and cappuccino for the both of us, Marjolein my heart goes to you, not a day goes by where I don't think about you, be strong I know you're going to get through. Lindsay, thank you for covering my ass and taking the blame, and just so you know, my parents are not going to hate you, at least not much, just kidding!!! Phoi-Siem...what can I say buddy, you're probably the only person on the planet reading this, so thank you for taking the time to read my crap listening to my crap and taking the time to place a comment. I love you!! This livejournal thing is great, now we can communicate through this I can keep you updated and you can keep me posted, we can give each other advice, although I'm the one needing most of the advice. But seriously though, I love you for doing this. And Danny...I love you I'm sure of that now and we're going to have fun together forever and a day till the end of time ;-) I know that there are many more people I should be thanking right now, but I gotta go to bed, because I have to work tomorrow. But know that I haven't forgot about you, and I love you all dearly.
Peace out
BTW for the peeps that are interested in the book:
Song Bird  - Sebastian Faulkes bol.com
Song Bird - Sebastian Faulkes amazon.com

So my last few entries have been, well let's just call them heavy, so I thought it's been a while since I've written a fanfic. I written this one actually in July, but I was just too damn lazy to sit down and type it all down. But here it is:

Disclaimer: I don't own anything
The title is from a song by the Corrs(just in case you were interested)

No More Cry

 Peyton and Jake are engaged when something terrible happens what will happen to Peyton?

 Chapter One:  A Choice Is Not Always Given

 

“C’mon Luke! We’re only 25 once, before you know it you’re engaged and then it’s all downhill.” Jake joked to his best friend.

“If you don’t want to marry her, then you shouldn’t have asked her…” Lucas said somewhat irritated by Jake’s tone.

“It’s not that. I love Peyton, but I like hanging out with you, but when I’m married, we’re not going to be able to do this anymore, so what do you say buddy? You want to hang out with your oldest and most trusted friend?”

Lucas sighed knowing that there was no way to change Jake’s mind, so he just agreed. “Okay, I’ll go, but you’re driving, so not too much drinking!”

“Yes, mom, now let’s go!”

Lucas really didn’t want to go to the bar, but he was convinced by his best friend. Lucas knew that somewhere Jake had a point, it wasn’t going to be the same after he marries Peyton. Hell even when he started dating Peyton things changed. Lucas always liked Peyton, he had his chance with her and he blew it. She was forever lost to Jake, and it wasn’t like Jake didn’t know, Jake just never said anything about knowing how Lucas felt. He just kept his mouth shut and tried to be happy with Peyton.

When they finally arrived at the bar Lucas already regretted tagging along. He just wanted to be home read a book and yes…be boring, but it’s what he loved doing. He liked having a moment to himself and to embrace the silence. So unlike Jake who is always the party goer.

“What can I get the two of you?” the bartender asked.

“A Beer for me” Lucas answered. Jake gave Lucas a nod, letting him know that he wanted a beer too. “Better make that two.”

“Don’t drink too much okay? You’re the designated driver, remember?” Lucas knew that Jake couldn’t hold his alcohol too well, so he figured that it couldn’t harm just giving a little warning.

“Yes mom!” Jake sighed.

Four beers for Lucas and six for Jake later, Jake started to get talkative.

“God, I can’t believe I’m getting married!” Jake said dead panned.

“Can’t believe you’re getting married or can’t believe you’re marrying Peyton?” Lucas retorted, the alcohol getting the better of him.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It’s supposed to mean that you’re using any excuse to get out of the house. It’s like you don’t even want to marry Peyton. But if I remember correctly you’re the one who asked her…Now you’re talking about her as if marrying her is something that someone forced you to do!”

“No, that’s not it! I love Peyton with all my heart and I want to marry her, but I’m not sure she wants to.”

“Excuse me, are you listening to yourself?! Peyton is so in love with you that it’s almost painful to watch!”

“No it’s not that. I have no doubt in my mind that Peyton loves me. But it’s you, I’ve always had the feeling that you liked her.”

“Of course I like her, she is marrying my best friend. She has to get through the inspection before she can get to you.” Lucas winked at Jake, but Lucas knew what Jake meant.

“That’s not what I meant, do you really think that I’ve never seen the way you look at her when she is talking. Or when she is smiling, I’ve seen hell everyone has seen it.”

“That maybe so, but I never ever did anything to compromise your relationship with her.”

“Whatever…” Jake mumbled

“Yeah whatever! Now let’s go home, it’s 2.30!” Lucas said, he knew there was no sense talking to a drunk Jake.

“Are you good to drive? How many beers did you have?”

“Just two, I swear!” Jake lied

“Yeah when I was with you, and what about when I wasn’t by your side huh?”

“Ow, I don’t know, I lost count.”

“Okay that’s it. You’re not driving anymore. Peyton would kill me if I let you drive like this. It seems like I have no choice, but drive myself.”

“Aw Lucas, thank you. You know you are a really great friend, did you know that?”

“Yes I do, and just so you know, you’re a really crappy friend! You were supposed to be the designated driver. You convinced me to come here with you and you promised me not to drink too much. But you couldn’t resist could you? You just had to drink.” Lucas sighed, there was no point giving Jake a speech now, he was way too drunk to be even listening.

“Whatever…dude, you need to learn how to relax!”

“And you need to learn how to take responsibilities. C’mon let’s get you to the car. I’ll take you home, you sleep this off and we’ll talk about this in the morning.”

“I don’t want to go home, Peyton is there…I don’t think she would like drunk Jake, nope she would not like drunk Jake.” Jake repeated.

“Okay, well you can crash at my place.” Lucas sighed

“Thank you, Luke. You’re the best friend a guy could ask for.

“Just get in the car.”

Lucas and Jake both got into the car. Lucas hadn’t even pulled out of the parking lot or Jake had already fallen asleep and started snoring.

“Great.” Lucas mumbled under his breath.

Lucas was driving on an empty street, he had to stop at a traffic light, minutes felt like hours as his eyes were having trouble to stay open. But he didn’t give in, he couldn’t, he was just a few minutes away from home, he had to stay awake.

Licas drove around the curb, but he didn’t see there was a ghost rider. The ghost rider gave the steering wheel  a swing. Lucas hit the brakes, the ghost rider missed them by just a few inches. Still in shock and full of adrenaline Lucas was taking in the moment.

“Dude what the hell happened?!” Jake said as he shot up.

“I don’t know…ghost rider…”before Lucas could even utter another word another car slammed into Jake’s side of the car. Then everything turned black.

When Lucas woke up, he was in the hospital.

“Welcome back mister Scott.” Said the nurse as she was checking his blood pressure.

“You’re a very lucky man, you know that? You only have a few minor cuts and bruises. And your blood alcohol level was just shy the legal limit.”

“And Jake…Jake Jagielski…how’s he doing? He was in the car with me, is he okay?”

“He’s in the OR now, but I wasn’t assigned to him, so I don’t know how he’s doing.”

“Okay well, thanks anyway.”

“Can I call anyone for you, to tell them you’re in hospital?”

“Uhm, no no one for me, but Jake’s fiancée, her name is Peyton Sawyer. She needs to be here when he wakes up.”

“Okay, I’ll go make that call now, if there isn’t anything else I can help you with.”

 

Hours later

 

“You’re ready to go, Mr Scott. Is there anything else I can do for you?” The nurse said when Lucas was signed out.

“Which way to Jake Jagielski.”

“You can sit in the waiting room with the family if you want. It’s down the hall and then on your left, can’t miss it.”

“Thank you.” The nurse smiled at Lucas. Lucas recognized the smile, it was a ‘I feel sorry for you’ and ‘I wish you good luck because you’re going to need it’ kind of smile. He knew that smile very well, he knew how to wear it too.

‘This can’t be good’ Lucas thought.

 He rushed to the waiting room, he saw Peyton sitting on a chair, motionless. She had no facial expression. Lucas had never seen her like this before.

“Hey” Lucas said announcing his presence.

“Hey” Peyton answered, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m okay. Just a few cuts and bruises, but nothing critical.”

“Good, I’m glad you’re okay.” Peyton forced a smile on her face and Lucas did his best to return it, without making the smile that the nurse flashed at him.

“Any news on Jake?” Lucas almost didn’t dare to ask.

“No, theyr were operating on him but I don’t know…” Peyton trailed off.

Hours went by and Peyton and Lucs were told nothing. Lucas finally gave in the sleep and let his eyes rest. But as soon as he closed his eyes, he saw the car accident before his eyes, Lucas’ eyes fluttered open and he looked at Peyton who was hovering above him.

“Are you okay? It looked like you were dreaming. You were mumbling things in your sleep, you started to sweat so I tried to wake you, I hope you don’t mind.”

“It’s okay. I was having a bad dream. Anything on …”

Before Lucas could even finish his sentence there was a doctor entering the waiting room and everyone was in silence.

“The family of Jake Jagielski?”

Lucas and peyton rose from their chairs, they stood next to each other. Peyton couldn’t move, so Lucas took Peyton’s hand in his own and gave her a little squeeze just to let her know that he’s there for her and that everything is going to be okay.

Lucas didn’t go with the doctor because he isn’t related to Jake, but he could see the doctor and Peyton talking. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Peyton’s face expression told Lucas that it wasn’t good.

Lucas saw that Peyton was going to cry, so he walked towards her, just as he got to her, Peyton’s knees gave out and she dropped to the floor bawling.

Lucas rushed to her side and took her in his arms.

“I’m sorry Miss Sawyer, I really am.” With that the doctor left Peyton and Lucas alone.

“He’s dead.” Peyton sniffled after she gathered herself together.

“He died on the operation table, he lost a lot of blood and his vitals were…”Peyton could not finish her sentence, because the tears began to fall again.
“It’s not fair, why now? Why?”

“Shh, it’s okay.” Lucas did everything in his power to calm her down.  “Shhh, shhh it’s going to be okay. I’m here, let it all out. And that’s exactly what she did, she let it all out, right there and Lucas was there for her.

So school is though these days. We are going really fast and the pressure is really high. I feel like I can't do it sometimes, well actually all the time. I'm constantly tired, my head is spinning and early in the morning I have this feeling that I'm gonna be sick. I really feel like I'm losing it. I can't get ill now, I have to go to school be healthy follow the classes and do tests I know I'm going to fail. Maybe I've set the bar a little too high for myself, but that's the way it's always been for me. I don't know what I want to do later in my life. Maybe English, to study literature or maybe become an English teacher or maybe History I don't know. But I better make up my mind soon because in December you have to be registered for your follow up study.  I think I'll go for English. I mean it's the only thing I'm good at and I enjoy doing. I'm actually a tutor. I'm helping this girl who is awesome but her parents really push her and compare her to her sister who is a straight A student. Anyway I couldn't let go of this girl so I offered to tutor her. And much to my surprise she said yes why not. And I was like...really?? You don't even know me, but we had a nice talk and now we're going to prove to her parents that she can do it!!
As you can see school is really taking in all of my time, which brings me to my second subject of today...boys, or should I say boy because there is one boy in particular. He's been great, he's kinda my hero and I really really like him. Anyway he's not really my boyfriend...yet. The only thing stopping us from being us is me. This is going to sound really harsh but boyfriends take a lot of time and I don't know if I have the time to do this. This year I have to prove to everyone, including myself that I can do this. and with this I mean school. Anyway I was with him last Saturday we had a great time, he introduced me to his parents and they were really kind to me. The whole day was perfect and then I went home had a nice time and then I got a phone call from a friend asking me to go to the funeral. After the call my head was all over the place I had a brain freeze  and I called Danny(that's the boy I was talking about) and I basically poured my heart out to him about the funeral about school about my parents everything. And he was really understanding and sweet and I wanted to come to the funeral just to be there for me. I was like no you don't have to, you have to go to school. We decided that it was best for him that he would go to school and he would call me later on the day, we wee wrapping up our conversation and I think that he didn't even realised that he said it, it just rolled out of his mouth he said: Good luck Monday I'll be thinking of you, I love you bye. And this brings me to my third subject of today, regret, you know what this genius did??????
I hung up I said something like "thank you bye" when I hung up the phone I was like F@#@#@$#%@#%@#%@$*&^@$*&@^$($#@)$(&@) I did not just hang up, but it was already too late I already hung up. But the thing is we´re not even an item yet and he already told me he loved me. Isn't it a little soon?? I mean we're just starting to go on dates.
As you know I went to the funeral and it was weird, and Danny called me on Monday but because of the I Love You I kinda got scared and I kinda, sort of denied his call and I know that it was a stupid thing to do. Trust me I know, but just hear me out. My head is/ was a mess. I just came from the funeral, I felt like a crappy friend and my potential boyfriend told me he loved me. While I'm not even sure about my feelings for him. I mean it's not like I don't like him because I do. I  really do, and I think, no I'm sure that I can fall in love with him, but I don't know if I want to. I know it sounds pretty stupid, but I don't know... ... ...
So I decided to go and see him, because I can't do this over the phone. I'm going to talk to him about why I've been the way I've been and we're going to have long talk about the three words I really like to hear and say but don't know how to say.
So I'll keep you posted I'll talk to you later and thank you for reading!

XOXO
Riley

So today was weird. I went to a funeral. Which isn't really weird, but here is the deal: I didn't know the dude.
He's the brother of a really good friend of mine. Though I feel like a really shitty friend because I haven't really been there for her.
Last time I saw her, I mean other than today, was in January. I don't think you qualify as a good friend if you don't see each other for quite some time. But when I heard her brother died I thought, I really want to be there for her. So I went to the funeral. It was at 11.30 am it was a beautiful service. We were in the church and my friend entered the church and I saw her, she looked me right in the eyes and she looked at me and she looked really relieved to see me. I didn't really get the chance to talk to her, just said my condolences to the family and I hugged her and told her that if she needed anything that I was there for her. What else can you say right? It was really hard for me. I don't like funerals, I never know what to say or how I should be acting. But I gotta tell you it was good seeing her. And stream of conscience sidebar when she looked me in the eyes in the church there was a moment just fraction of a second where I just wanted to break down and cry, and that's the weird part. I didn't even know the dude and here I am crying over him. But I think I wasn't really crying over him, but I think it was more like my heart was breaking for my friend. I really feel for her, and I'm sorry that I haven't spend more time with her, I really feel like a lousy friend. But I think that her brother's death has taught me something though, I was too late to even get to know him, but I'm not going to make the same mistake with my friend. Because most people stick around for the funeral but when you really need those people they're gone, so I'm gonna step up and be there for my friend. Because it's after the funeral that the real mourning starts. But I know that's she's going to be okay. I mean she's one of the strongest people I know and I know that he's going to continue living in the hearts of his family and I think that is the most important thing. The person isn't really dead, his/her body isn't here anymore, but he continues living in our hearts and that's the most important place to live I think.
And in the middle of all of this I have tons of school work I have to catch up on. I think it's safe to say that I'm not the smartest girl on the planet, but I study hard I will get the marks I want, but me being a lazy ass, haven't been really that busy with school, yes I've been doing my homework, but half of it hasn't even stuck in head. But I feel stupid thinking that it's the end of the world if I get a bad mark. when there are things way more important than that. Look at today, I was at a funeral of 26 year old boy, because I guess he is still just a boy in the eyes of his parents.
So I actually had a really great speech prepared for today's entry but I lost it the second I started talking about the funeral, so instead I have a poem, I think it kind of covers what I'm feeling right now and to Marjolein and her family my heart and thoughts are with you. I hope you like the poem.

Scattered Echoes

by Todd-Michael St. Pierre

Flowers for a grave, Both dainty and distressing, As tears escape twin rivers of the soul. Convenient time I gave, Infrequently expressing, The sentiment between routine and role. Words left unspoken, Considered unnecessary, Sunshine and shadows, petals and tears. Now the bridge is broken, The chance was temporary, To cross back and stroll through tender years. Eulogies and regret, As mysterious as Jade, I failed to say just what I really meant. A cemetery debt, For love that went unpaid, And greeting cards I never even sent

So 2 entries on one day, it must be your lucky day, or mine whatever.
So I really need to get this out of the way....I'm hating this hiatus. I want...I need my One Tree Hill kick!
It's not fair all the other shows are starting and I'm still stuck in this stupid hiatus and the spoilers aren't helping.
It only makes me want to see the show more.
This season a new show started. Gossip Girl and I'm totally loving it and it's terrible because I feel like I'm betraying my show.
But I'm only watching because I need to pass the time. But with all these shows starting their new seasons I can't help but feel a little bit jealous. But because I need to survive my hiatus I made some Leyton fanfic, I just have to find the time to sit down and type down everything that I've written and trust me when I say it's a lot. But like I said before I'm lazy as hell. And I haven't even finished a story I just keep staring with new fanfics and I get a writer's block and then I get a new idea and I have to work it out, but I can't because I'm stuck with another story that I just can't seem to finish and now I'm not making any sense any more am I?
Sorry I just keep on rambling and it's basically about nothing. But I promise you, next entry will have a point.
So I guess it's time for my surprise, I made some fanart just to show you guys I hope you like!







Tell me what you think

Peace out

XOXO
You know you love me

Riley

Hey peeps

So I'm Really new with this, I have no idea how this all works, but here goes nothing.
I've had this Live journal for quite a while now and I really don't know why have it really.
I first wanted to post my fanfics here, but it turns out I'm lazy as hell and I haven't typed any of my work out in God knows how long.
Anyway I'm gonna go figure out how this works and I'll see y'all laterz

XOXO
You know you love me( sorry can't help it I love Gossip Girl)
Riley